Seat Swapping September

September 1^st

Just seen a man at the train station, buying a croissant with a £50 note; money obviously isn't too tight to mention.

Septemenber 7^th

Having a hover wee on a fast moving train is often a risky adventure.

September 9^th

Today I have travelled on four separate buses, crossed three different counties, walked through two town centres and passed one train station, visited one theatre and one school and met six new people. I have done all of this with toothpaste on my face. Tomorrow I shall be mostly wearing mayonnaise.

September 10^th

Today I am road testing trainer socks and have already spent most of my morning retrieving said socks from underneath my feet. Sole destroying.

September 12^th

If you stand at the bus stop in Chellaston you are, according to the locals, 'a dirty slapper'. I received this information from a 12 year old boy, through the window of a moving car.

September 17^th

Seat Swapping: The inexplicable phenomenon where passengers, despite several swappages, find difficulty in deciding which seat of the bus is best.

September 19th

Today, whilst on my travels, I came across the most impressively trimmed bush.

September 20^th

The ladies on the bus may have misheard the announcement, 'please bare with us, we have nude driver on board.'

Later on September 20^th

The new driver appears to have adopted the 'close your eyes and hope you'll squeeze through' approach, whilst driving in the city centre.

Return journey on September 20^th

The old driver has now decided to use 'LOUD SHOUTING' as a method of teaching the new driver.

Septemebr 23^rd

Interesting attempt at comedy:
Me 'May I have a Zigzag please?'
Driver 'That'll be £5 or £10 to you, I've got to earn me wages somehow.'
Oh dear.

September 24th

Overheard bus conversation: 
Woman 'People have to accept that we live in a multi-cultural society.' 
Man 'Yes, my uncle is Russian, my next door neighbour's from Brazil and my wife's half human.'

September 26^th

The elderly gentleman who asked the female driver, 'Where would you like me to put it?'; was actually referring to his bus pass.

Later on September 26^th

I'm hoping that the fast approaching trickle of yellow liquid, from a passenger behind, is simply a spillage from a soft drink of some description.

September 27^th

For the second time this month, Derby smells of chocolate moose.

September 28^th

The chap behind me on the bus is explaining to an American girl, the reasons why he can't get a job in Britain. He's blaming 'Tories and blind people'. 

August Again

August 2^nd

This morning, on my travels, I have observed ignorance, violence & pure selfishness. Now, on my second bus, I see people sharing their soft-mints with total strangers, and with those humble chewy treats, they have just re-dressed the balance.

August 5^th

Due to a day of steady drizzle, the bus smells of damp dogs.

Later on August 5^th

After almost half an hour of human contortion, I have successfully made it back into my Pack-a-Mac.

August 6^th

I am a shadow of my former self! I arrived at the bus station at 9am but the electric doors did not open. I backed up & approached again from a different angle. I began to think I was in one of those films, like Bruce Willis, where you're dead but you don't realise. Then I discovered that the doors were merely broken, so I used the other ones. Oh, those obstacles that life puts before us.

Later on August 6^th

I just received a half price ticket from the bus driver in a prison contraband, back hand, 'say nothing' kind of way. For the return journey, I'll have to bring him a boiled sweet or a bar of soap, to show my gratitude.

Even later on August 6^th

We have a knitter on board.

August 7^th

Quite smug at choosing the best side of the bus for admiring the beautiful Derbyshire hills & lakes. No knitters on board today though.

Later on August 7^th

There's a boy on the bus, wearing a Burger King crown, doing his times tables out loud with a wide-eyed mania. This proves that fast food makes young children hyper-active & more interested in maths.

August 8^th

I just caught a middle aged, smartly dressed, man staring at me from the adjacent seat on the bus. Attempting to chastise with his eyebrows. Maybe I was thinking my thoughts out loud again?

August 9^th

On the road again... On a bus. Not just splayed out awaiting on-coming traffic like a pheasant. I am not road kill. I am a passenger.

August 10th

It appears that Sitting Bull is alive and well in Chesterfield.

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August 12^th

During my short journey from flat to bus station, I encountered four separate people sampling the early morning delights of Greggs the bakery. Three out of the four were munching loud & proud with their mouths wide open. Is there a new, 'don't chew your fruit pastel or lick yer jammy doughnut lips' style, Greggs challenge? Or were these people just dirty and wrong?

Later on August 12^th

My bus passed a little shop in Ripley earlier. It had wedding dresses in the window & a sign saying 'Just for Dogs'. After my initial surprise at the odd choice of advertising, I later realised that it's a local animal charity.

August 13^th

Either the bus has lost one of its wheels or the driver's skills are questionable. I fear my stomach may arrive at my destination before I do.

August 16th

Observing some interesting behaviour whilst waiting in a pub car park before opening time. May have witnessed a drug deal between two elderly ladies. Very suspicious.

August 18^th

I have sustained a bus related injury.

August 19^th

There is an array of aromas on the bus today and not one of them is pleasant.

August 20^th

Dear British Rail, if I give you lots of money, could you find me the filthiest train to sit on please?...Oh, you did.

A bit later on August 20^th

Sandwich choices from the tea trolley today are; Bacon, Chicken & Bacon or Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato. I have a rather smug packed lunch.

August 23^rd

I am on a bus which I do not frequent and the other passengers know it. Its a little like that moment in the bar when the music stops and everyone looks. A smile usually softens the mood...or possibly not

Later on August 23rd

The river runs red by the bus stop in Swansea.

Even later on August 23^rd

I've seen many a mohican in my time but never, until now, have I seen a fellow ginger sporting a mohican. It may be the first & the last.

August 30^th

It appears that even Welsh International, Dancer on Ice, Celeb Big Brother star and another fellow ginger - Gareth Thomas, is happy to share my standard class carriage. Keeping it real...train style.

August 31^st

Due to my fear of having smelly feet, my trainers are producing little talk clouds with every step I take. I may have over indulged on the talk. I have a talk problem.