Seat Swapping September

September 1^st

Just seen a man at the train station, buying a croissant with a £50 note; money obviously isn't too tight to mention.

Septemenber 7^th

Having a hover wee on a fast moving train is often a risky adventure.

September 9^th

Today I have travelled on four separate buses, crossed three different counties, walked through two town centres and passed one train station, visited one theatre and one school and met six new people. I have done all of this with toothpaste on my face. Tomorrow I shall be mostly wearing mayonnaise.

September 10^th

Today I am road testing trainer socks and have already spent most of my morning retrieving said socks from underneath my feet. Sole destroying.

September 12^th

If you stand at the bus stop in Chellaston you are, according to the locals, 'a dirty slapper'. I received this information from a 12 year old boy, through the window of a moving car.

September 17^th

Seat Swapping: The inexplicable phenomenon where passengers, despite several swappages, find difficulty in deciding which seat of the bus is best.

September 19th

Today, whilst on my travels, I came across the most impressively trimmed bush.

September 20^th

The ladies on the bus may have misheard the announcement, 'please bare with us, we have nude driver on board.'

Later on September 20^th

The new driver appears to have adopted the 'close your eyes and hope you'll squeeze through' approach, whilst driving in the city centre.

Return journey on September 20^th

The old driver has now decided to use 'LOUD SHOUTING' as a method of teaching the new driver.

Septemebr 23^rd

Interesting attempt at comedy:
Me 'May I have a Zigzag please?'
Driver 'That'll be £5 or £10 to you, I've got to earn me wages somehow.'
Oh dear.

September 24th

Overheard bus conversation: 
Woman 'People have to accept that we live in a multi-cultural society.' 
Man 'Yes, my uncle is Russian, my next door neighbour's from Brazil and my wife's half human.'

September 26^th

The elderly gentleman who asked the female driver, 'Where would you like me to put it?'; was actually referring to his bus pass.

Later on September 26^th

I'm hoping that the fast approaching trickle of yellow liquid, from a passenger behind, is simply a spillage from a soft drink of some description.

September 27^th

For the second time this month, Derby smells of chocolate moose.

September 28^th

The chap behind me on the bus is explaining to an American girl, the reasons why he can't get a job in Britain. He's blaming 'Tories and blind people'. 

August Again

August 2^nd

This morning, on my travels, I have observed ignorance, violence & pure selfishness. Now, on my second bus, I see people sharing their soft-mints with total strangers, and with those humble chewy treats, they have just re-dressed the balance.

August 5^th

Due to a day of steady drizzle, the bus smells of damp dogs.

Later on August 5^th

After almost half an hour of human contortion, I have successfully made it back into my Pack-a-Mac.

August 6^th

I am a shadow of my former self! I arrived at the bus station at 9am but the electric doors did not open. I backed up & approached again from a different angle. I began to think I was in one of those films, like Bruce Willis, where you're dead but you don't realise. Then I discovered that the doors were merely broken, so I used the other ones. Oh, those obstacles that life puts before us.

Later on August 6^th

I just received a half price ticket from the bus driver in a prison contraband, back hand, 'say nothing' kind of way. For the return journey, I'll have to bring him a boiled sweet or a bar of soap, to show my gratitude.

Even later on August 6^th

We have a knitter on board.

August 7^th

Quite smug at choosing the best side of the bus for admiring the beautiful Derbyshire hills & lakes. No knitters on board today though.

Later on August 7^th

There's a boy on the bus, wearing a Burger King crown, doing his times tables out loud with a wide-eyed mania. This proves that fast food makes young children hyper-active & more interested in maths.

August 8^th

I just caught a middle aged, smartly dressed, man staring at me from the adjacent seat on the bus. Attempting to chastise with his eyebrows. Maybe I was thinking my thoughts out loud again?

August 9^th

On the road again... On a bus. Not just splayed out awaiting on-coming traffic like a pheasant. I am not road kill. I am a passenger.

August 10th

It appears that Sitting Bull is alive and well in Chesterfield.

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August 12^th

During my short journey from flat to bus station, I encountered four separate people sampling the early morning delights of Greggs the bakery. Three out of the four were munching loud & proud with their mouths wide open. Is there a new, 'don't chew your fruit pastel or lick yer jammy doughnut lips' style, Greggs challenge? Or were these people just dirty and wrong?

Later on August 12^th

My bus passed a little shop in Ripley earlier. It had wedding dresses in the window & a sign saying 'Just for Dogs'. After my initial surprise at the odd choice of advertising, I later realised that it's a local animal charity.

August 13^th

Either the bus has lost one of its wheels or the driver's skills are questionable. I fear my stomach may arrive at my destination before I do.

August 16th

Observing some interesting behaviour whilst waiting in a pub car park before opening time. May have witnessed a drug deal between two elderly ladies. Very suspicious.

August 18^th

I have sustained a bus related injury.

August 19^th

There is an array of aromas on the bus today and not one of them is pleasant.

August 20^th

Dear British Rail, if I give you lots of money, could you find me the filthiest train to sit on please?...Oh, you did.

A bit later on August 20^th

Sandwich choices from the tea trolley today are; Bacon, Chicken & Bacon or Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato. I have a rather smug packed lunch.

August 23^rd

I am on a bus which I do not frequent and the other passengers know it. Its a little like that moment in the bar when the music stops and everyone looks. A smile usually softens the mood...or possibly not

Later on August 23rd

The river runs red by the bus stop in Swansea.

Even later on August 23^rd

I've seen many a mohican in my time but never, until now, have I seen a fellow ginger sporting a mohican. It may be the first & the last.

August 30^th

It appears that even Welsh International, Dancer on Ice, Celeb Big Brother star and another fellow ginger - Gareth Thomas, is happy to share my standard class carriage. Keeping it real...train style.

August 31^st

Due to my fear of having smelly feet, my trainers are producing little talk clouds with every step I take. I may have over indulged on the talk. I have a talk problem.

Genuinely July

July 8th

Games on a Train. 

Spot the rogue peanut nestled amongst my jelly beans?

July 9^th

This is summer isn't it? Not just me having a hot flush. My fellow passengers may think I am experiencing the menopause as I angrily stamped around the bus, opening all the windows whilst ‘tutt’ing & eye-balling everyone into fresh-air-reluctance-related shame.

July 10^th

Tupperware - I adore you, my lunches on the move would be somewhat dull in your absence, however I am loosing patience. Please just find your own lids.

July 12^th

Dearest Darling Commuters, welcome to summer! PLEASE STOP CLOSING WINDOWS! Thank you

July 13^th

A sequel for Samuel L Jackson - 'Stains on a Train'? I am currently sat on the perfect set for it.

July 16^th

Treats on a train.

July 17^th

Even the banana on this bus is feeling the heat, he has made a swift exit, discarding his coat on the floor.

July 18^th

I'm the only ginger on the bus yet I manage to sit in the seat with the most sun. Error. Magnified error. I now understand the persecution of an ant.

Later on July 18^th

When they said 'don't leave a dog in a car in this hot weather', they should have also advised us not to leave a ginger on a bus!

Minutes later...

If you don't hear from me, it is because I have evaporated.

July 19^th

On a bus with Air Con. Best extra 50 pence ever spent.

July 20th

Games on a Train. There's that pesky peanut.

July 22nd

Just walked past a class of school children accompanied by a rather stressed teacher saying, 'If you can't walk together then you won't walk at all.' Not sure if she was threatening them with a potential knee-capping or with the possibility of completing their journey by bus. Both events carry traumatic consequences. 

July 25^th

One out of four windows open on the bus. I have to be satisfied with winning the battle & plan better tactics for winning the window war.

A few minutes later on July 25^th

The arrival of a sweaty passenger just forced a disgruntled pensioner to embrace the fresh air & open window number two. Boom!

July 26^th

Just heard a young person catching up with another, on the bus. He asked if she was 'still courting'. I imagine this phrase has the same meaning as it did in my youth? Extremely polite and very sweet.

July 30^th

Palm tree by the Trolley Point at the Train Station. How very seasonal.

Return journey on July 30^th

Never thought I'd find myself admiring a roof tile. Stopping at Dronfield Train Station momentarily has awarded me that pleasure. Nice patterns.

July 31st

Still not sure how the peanut infiltrated my Jelly Beans.

Augusto Augustus

August 3rd

Dear Tesco, It has taken me 20 minutes of wrestling and swearing to open this bottle of fizzy water, only to find there isn't any fizz! Can you please post me some bubbles and refund me 20 minutes of my time? Thank you.

August 4th

Stuck ont train next to a man with wandering elbows. Keeps jabbing me in the ribs. I've had sprouts for dinner. Might startle him with a fart.

August 9th

Hilarous! Lad on train just got a child single to Nottingham then purchased a chilled can of Stella from the trolley. Teehee. Naughty

August 12th

Pleased to read that, even in the deepest darkest recession, people still like to buy fake noses and plastic poo.

August 15th

Busy bus! I am Bond! Jayne Bond! License to spill.

August 18th

I’m on the bus, gingerly being ginger.

August 21st

Observing the effects of a delayed bus on a wet Sunday afternoon; the anger caused by this late arrival is fascinating.

August 22nd

Regretting eating and drinking soooo much chocolate on the bus...but will probably start the whole process again in half hour!

Seriously September?

September 1st

Help! I've been kidnapped by a cardigan from the 80's.

September 2nd  

Fallen victim to a Sudden Stopper; those crowd walkers who maintain the steady pace, but come to an unpredictable halt, causing everyone to awkwardly leapfrop over each other, resulting in a human pile-up on the pavement.

September 3rd

I have arrived!...literally...not metaphorically

September 4th  

I'm on the longest train ever! (Length calculated by number of carriages, not journey time)

September 5th

£2.10 for a coffee on the train!!! 'We'll share one thank you!'

Septmeber 6th  

Oh the bright, cheery attitude of the bus driver has kick started my day with sunshine, along with a chance of occasional rainbows! Stay tuned for more updates from Jayne's pretend world.

September 7th

This bus appears to be hosting an in-depth discussion on the road crossing abilities of pedestrians.

Later on September 7th  

My Hobnobs have gone soggy...I'm not joking.

September 10th

My lunch seems to be causing a disturbance.

Later on September 10th

Dear fellow train passenger, You may have won the arm rest battle but it is I who will win the war...with my prawn salad!

September 11th

This afternoon I suggested, to a rather aggressive Chugger, (who wouldn't take a polite 'no thank you' for an answer) that he may consider getting a 'proper job'. Didn't go down very well!

September 12th 

There's a grown man in full school uniform complete with short trousers and swimming bag, sat on the bus. It is 10.30am and he isn't smiling.

September 21st

Return journey a disappointment, just readers with kindles and disgruntled pensioners.

Awkward October

October 2nd

So I leave half an hour early and arrive half an hour late...I never was very good at maths.

October 12th

Jayne's train travels; Friday October 12th. A fellow passenger wants to know if there is a 'potty room' on board.

October 13th

Strange Train Fact; It takes the same time to get to Derby from Islington, London (by foot, tube, then train) as it does from Mansfield, Notts (on one bus).

October 17th

Today's breaking (bus) news; Driver holds a close resemblance to Noddy Holder!

Return journey....

This bus is full of infection :{ Bring back Noddy

Later on October 17th

For those who ever watched a zombie film and pondered upon the aroma; I know a bus where appropriate scientific research can be undertaken for only £5.80 and an hour of your time.

October 18th

In today's bus news; the couple in front have fashioned their bus tickets in to party hats and are proudly wearing them aloft their heads.

October 21st

So I just left the town where a Weinstein shoot was well underway, starring James Corden, Julie Walters & JessieJ, alongside 500 other actors & directed by the guy who made 'Devil Wears Prada'.

In other (train) news; Man wears white satin eye mask complete with glasses on top.

October 30th 

Breaking Bus news; Woman receives dirty looks after eating too loudly on the bus! ...There's just no need for that much lip smacking at this hour.

On the November November

November 5th

Scandal: The Red Arrow bus has gone up in price by £1, for the second time this year!..and it doesn't even fly!

November 6th

Breaking Bus News; Chocolate Wheato's causing a disturbance on the A52. Fellow passengers have reported a rumbling tummy from an adult commuter who regrets eating a child's breakfast cereal!

November 7th

Bus tragedy; As I arrive a second behind time, the bus door shuts and the driver reverses with a disapproving shake of the head and a tutt in his teeth. I am not angry. I am simply disappointed. I have let down, not only myself, but a whole nation...oh here's another bus, I'll get on that one.

November 8th

In Today's Bus News; Passenger has a detailed conversation with a labrador who appears to be disinterested.

Later on November 8th

Back on the bus after alighting it, only 7 hours ago. I fear the bus driver may think I'm stalking him.

November 9th  

Bus window observation; Police helicopter hovers over a field where the cows appear to be auditioning for Madame Tussauds.

Later on November 9th

Evening bus report; Prospective passenger endures unplanned exercise, later realising she was chasing after the wrong red bus.

November 12th

Replacement bus!

November 13th

Pedests = Pedestrian Pests; Jayne's Busford Dictionary description of those who waste time by hailing the bus and quizzing the driver for in-depth route & ticket price information, then after leisurely mulling it over, rudely alight with the response 'No thank you, I'll wait for the other bus,'...not acceptable behaviour.

November 14th  

Bus inquiry: Passenger ponders quite how the windows of the purple bus became so steamed up. Secret messages of 'helo' and 'dik ed' appear as the heaters blow into action. Possible alien invasion!

November 15th

Come on bus, don't be shy, three have gone by in the opposite direction so why aren't I sitting in the warm by now? - ode to a bus

November 19th

Stylishly scoffing chips & curry sauce on the bus. Meals on wheels?

November 20th  

Dear Pronto, Please explain the reasoning behind providing a ten minute service that then takes a half hour break at 7.25am? Do you require breakfast at this time? Or a story followed by a short nap on the carpet? Do you get cramp in your tires? If I can be of any assistance in helping you on your way, please do let me know.

November 21st

Purse - check. Keys - check. Umbrella - check. Suncream...the Great British weather!

November 23rd

Words overheard on the bus; 'I've been thinking about growing a third boob.' - Fascinating

November 27th

I'm being despatched to Mansfield again

November 28th

According to the Metro being read by the person in front; the Government have introduced a new tax on having Fun. Anyone found to be having Fun and failing to declare their income of Fun will be prosecuted. Anyone caught having Fun, which includes anything from a slight smile to, laughing, clapping hands and doing the birdie dance; more than three times a week, will be round up and shot.

November 29th

Don't fart on my bus!...Dirty!