Odd October

October 2nd

I have put on a pound or two of late, for which I blame the hours spent sitting and snacking on a bus. The sitting is compulsory of course but the snacking is optional. I’m going to have to join Fat Club.

October 4^th

A loose translation: ‘In the event of an emergency, direct all slim attractive blonde ladies to stand as far away from you as possible.’

October 5^th

A foot found in the lost property box at Flint train station.

October 11^th

I'm sure that the man on the bus station radio just said, 'it's two days past nine.'

Later on October 11^th

After wearing my £5 trainers all day, I now realise why they were £5.

October 14^th

The Scottish lady in the seat behind has the smoothest, most soothing voice; I believe she is made of warm caramel.

October 15^th

They say that, wherever we are in Britain, we are only a few metres away from a rat. I usually find myself less than a metre away from a Gregg's.

October 20^th

As I walk past the shops on my way to the bus stop, I find myself admiring the products in Wilko's and make the realisation that I have an addiction to purchasing cleaning products, but do not have an addiction to using them.

October 24^th

According to my Fat Club coach, I have already lost a centimetre of fat from my waist. However I fear that it may have merely re-located and gathered around my knees.

October 25^th

Forget the worm; I reckon I deserve a much better reward for being on a bus at 6.30am.

In between buses on October 25^th

Not looking so sensational. 

Shortly after on October 25^th

Now aboard my second bus. The light is yet to lift the darkness of night and the rain still drains the faces of passers by. I fear I may be driven into the middle of a Stephen King novel.

Much later on October 25^th

I'm on my fourth and final bus of the day which has just been caught in the middle of a dramatic police chase out of Nottingham City centre. Whilst the bus driver checked if we were all ok, following his excellent (but bum clenching) quick breaking, I notice the man in front, proudly perusing his purchase of a comedy nose, complete with glasses and moustache.

October 28^th

The gentleman sat behind me is a compulsive throat clearer.

October 29^th

I'm on the bus with Hucknall's answer to Plan B. Proper Gangster...very serious but I'm sure a very sweet boy.

October 29^th

The driver is giving out vouchers for half price zigzags. I feel like I've won the lottery. All the other passengers are playing it cool, but inside they are as excited as I am.

October 31st 

Heads spotted at the foot of a tree by a bus stop in Derby. There have been delays to the timetable recently, due to the stormy weather; these gents may be considering registering a complaint.

Seat Swapping September

September 1^st

Just seen a man at the train station, buying a croissant with a £50 note; money obviously isn't too tight to mention.

Septemenber 7^th

Having a hover wee on a fast moving train is often a risky adventure.

September 9^th

Today I have travelled on four separate buses, crossed three different counties, walked through two town centres and passed one train station, visited one theatre and one school and met six new people. I have done all of this with toothpaste on my face. Tomorrow I shall be mostly wearing mayonnaise.

September 10^th

Today I am road testing trainer socks and have already spent most of my morning retrieving said socks from underneath my feet. Sole destroying.

September 12^th

If you stand at the bus stop in Chellaston you are, according to the locals, 'a dirty slapper'. I received this information from a 12 year old boy, through the window of a moving car.

September 17^th

Seat Swapping: The inexplicable phenomenon where passengers, despite several swappages, find difficulty in deciding which seat of the bus is best.

September 19th

Today, whilst on my travels, I came across the most impressively trimmed bush.

September 20^th

The ladies on the bus may have misheard the announcement, 'please bare with us, we have nude driver on board.'

Later on September 20^th

The new driver appears to have adopted the 'close your eyes and hope you'll squeeze through' approach, whilst driving in the city centre.

Return journey on September 20^th

The old driver has now decided to use 'LOUD SHOUTING' as a method of teaching the new driver.

Septemebr 23^rd

Interesting attempt at comedy:
Me 'May I have a Zigzag please?'
Driver 'That'll be £5 or £10 to you, I've got to earn me wages somehow.'
Oh dear.

September 24th

Overheard bus conversation: 
Woman 'People have to accept that we live in a multi-cultural society.' 
Man 'Yes, my uncle is Russian, my next door neighbour's from Brazil and my wife's half human.'

September 26^th

The elderly gentleman who asked the female driver, 'Where would you like me to put it?'; was actually referring to his bus pass.

Later on September 26^th

I'm hoping that the fast approaching trickle of yellow liquid, from a passenger behind, is simply a spillage from a soft drink of some description.

September 27^th

For the second time this month, Derby smells of chocolate moose.

September 28^th

The chap behind me on the bus is explaining to an American girl, the reasons why he can't get a job in Britain. He's blaming 'Tories and blind people'. 

August Again

August 2^nd

This morning, on my travels, I have observed ignorance, violence & pure selfishness. Now, on my second bus, I see people sharing their soft-mints with total strangers, and with those humble chewy treats, they have just re-dressed the balance.

August 5^th

Due to a day of steady drizzle, the bus smells of damp dogs.

Later on August 5^th

After almost half an hour of human contortion, I have successfully made it back into my Pack-a-Mac.

August 6^th

I am a shadow of my former self! I arrived at the bus station at 9am but the electric doors did not open. I backed up & approached again from a different angle. I began to think I was in one of those films, like Bruce Willis, where you're dead but you don't realise. Then I discovered that the doors were merely broken, so I used the other ones. Oh, those obstacles that life puts before us.

Later on August 6^th

I just received a half price ticket from the bus driver in a prison contraband, back hand, 'say nothing' kind of way. For the return journey, I'll have to bring him a boiled sweet or a bar of soap, to show my gratitude.

Even later on August 6^th

We have a knitter on board.

August 7^th

Quite smug at choosing the best side of the bus for admiring the beautiful Derbyshire hills & lakes. No knitters on board today though.

Later on August 7^th

There's a boy on the bus, wearing a Burger King crown, doing his times tables out loud with a wide-eyed mania. This proves that fast food makes young children hyper-active & more interested in maths.

August 8^th

I just caught a middle aged, smartly dressed, man staring at me from the adjacent seat on the bus. Attempting to chastise with his eyebrows. Maybe I was thinking my thoughts out loud again?

August 9^th

On the road again... On a bus. Not just splayed out awaiting on-coming traffic like a pheasant. I am not road kill. I am a passenger.

August 10th

It appears that Sitting Bull is alive and well in Chesterfield.

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August 12^th

During my short journey from flat to bus station, I encountered four separate people sampling the early morning delights of Greggs the bakery. Three out of the four were munching loud & proud with their mouths wide open. Is there a new, 'don't chew your fruit pastel or lick yer jammy doughnut lips' style, Greggs challenge? Or were these people just dirty and wrong?

Later on August 12^th

My bus passed a little shop in Ripley earlier. It had wedding dresses in the window & a sign saying 'Just for Dogs'. After my initial surprise at the odd choice of advertising, I later realised that it's a local animal charity.

August 13^th

Either the bus has lost one of its wheels or the driver's skills are questionable. I fear my stomach may arrive at my destination before I do.

August 16th

Observing some interesting behaviour whilst waiting in a pub car park before opening time. May have witnessed a drug deal between two elderly ladies. Very suspicious.

August 18^th

I have sustained a bus related injury.

August 19^th

There is an array of aromas on the bus today and not one of them is pleasant.

August 20^th

Dear British Rail, if I give you lots of money, could you find me the filthiest train to sit on please?...Oh, you did.

A bit later on August 20^th

Sandwich choices from the tea trolley today are; Bacon, Chicken & Bacon or Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato. I have a rather smug packed lunch.

August 23^rd

I am on a bus which I do not frequent and the other passengers know it. Its a little like that moment in the bar when the music stops and everyone looks. A smile usually softens the mood...or possibly not

Later on August 23rd

The river runs red by the bus stop in Swansea.

Even later on August 23^rd

I've seen many a mohican in my time but never, until now, have I seen a fellow ginger sporting a mohican. It may be the first & the last.

August 30^th

It appears that even Welsh International, Dancer on Ice, Celeb Big Brother star and another fellow ginger - Gareth Thomas, is happy to share my standard class carriage. Keeping it real...train style.

August 31^st

Due to my fear of having smelly feet, my trainers are producing little talk clouds with every step I take. I may have over indulged on the talk. I have a talk problem.

Genuinely July

July 8th

Games on a Train. 

Spot the rogue peanut nestled amongst my jelly beans?

July 9^th

This is summer isn't it? Not just me having a hot flush. My fellow passengers may think I am experiencing the menopause as I angrily stamped around the bus, opening all the windows whilst ‘tutt’ing & eye-balling everyone into fresh-air-reluctance-related shame.

July 10^th

Tupperware - I adore you, my lunches on the move would be somewhat dull in your absence, however I am loosing patience. Please just find your own lids.

July 12^th

Dearest Darling Commuters, welcome to summer! PLEASE STOP CLOSING WINDOWS! Thank you

July 13^th

A sequel for Samuel L Jackson - 'Stains on a Train'? I am currently sat on the perfect set for it.

July 16^th

Treats on a train.

July 17^th

Even the banana on this bus is feeling the heat, he has made a swift exit, discarding his coat on the floor.

July 18^th

I'm the only ginger on the bus yet I manage to sit in the seat with the most sun. Error. Magnified error. I now understand the persecution of an ant.

Later on July 18^th

When they said 'don't leave a dog in a car in this hot weather', they should have also advised us not to leave a ginger on a bus!

Minutes later...

If you don't hear from me, it is because I have evaporated.

July 19^th

On a bus with Air Con. Best extra 50 pence ever spent.

July 20th

Games on a Train. There's that pesky peanut.

July 22nd

Just walked past a class of school children accompanied by a rather stressed teacher saying, 'If you can't walk together then you won't walk at all.' Not sure if she was threatening them with a potential knee-capping or with the possibility of completing their journey by bus. Both events carry traumatic consequences. 

July 25^th

One out of four windows open on the bus. I have to be satisfied with winning the battle & plan better tactics for winning the window war.

A few minutes later on July 25^th

The arrival of a sweaty passenger just forced a disgruntled pensioner to embrace the fresh air & open window number two. Boom!

July 26^th

Just heard a young person catching up with another, on the bus. He asked if she was 'still courting'. I imagine this phrase has the same meaning as it did in my youth? Extremely polite and very sweet.

July 30^th

Palm tree by the Trolley Point at the Train Station. How very seasonal.

Return journey on July 30^th

Never thought I'd find myself admiring a roof tile. Stopping at Dronfield Train Station momentarily has awarded me that pleasure. Nice patterns.

July 31st

Still not sure how the peanut infiltrated my Jelly Beans.

Augusto Augustus

August 3rd

Dear Tesco, It has taken me 20 minutes of wrestling and swearing to open this bottle of fizzy water, only to find there isn't any fizz! Can you please post me some bubbles and refund me 20 minutes of my time? Thank you.

August 4th

Stuck ont train next to a man with wandering elbows. Keeps jabbing me in the ribs. I've had sprouts for dinner. Might startle him with a fart.

August 9th

Hilarous! Lad on train just got a child single to Nottingham then purchased a chilled can of Stella from the trolley. Teehee. Naughty

August 12th

Pleased to read that, even in the deepest darkest recession, people still like to buy fake noses and plastic poo.

August 15th

Busy bus! I am Bond! Jayne Bond! License to spill.

August 18th

I’m on the bus, gingerly being ginger.

August 21st

Observing the effects of a delayed bus on a wet Sunday afternoon; the anger caused by this late arrival is fascinating.

August 22nd

Regretting eating and drinking soooo much chocolate on the bus...but will probably start the whole process again in half hour!