Genuinely July

July 8th

Games on a Train. 

Spot the rogue peanut nestled amongst my jelly beans?

July 9^th

This is summer isn't it? Not just me having a hot flush. My fellow passengers may think I am experiencing the menopause as I angrily stamped around the bus, opening all the windows whilst ‘tutt’ing & eye-balling everyone into fresh-air-reluctance-related shame.

July 10^th

Tupperware - I adore you, my lunches on the move would be somewhat dull in your absence, however I am loosing patience. Please just find your own lids.

July 12^th

Dearest Darling Commuters, welcome to summer! PLEASE STOP CLOSING WINDOWS! Thank you

July 13^th

A sequel for Samuel L Jackson - 'Stains on a Train'? I am currently sat on the perfect set for it.

July 16^th

Treats on a train.

July 17^th

Even the banana on this bus is feeling the heat, he has made a swift exit, discarding his coat on the floor.

July 18^th

I'm the only ginger on the bus yet I manage to sit in the seat with the most sun. Error. Magnified error. I now understand the persecution of an ant.

Later on July 18^th

When they said 'don't leave a dog in a car in this hot weather', they should have also advised us not to leave a ginger on a bus!

Minutes later...

If you don't hear from me, it is because I have evaporated.

July 19^th

On a bus with Air Con. Best extra 50 pence ever spent.

July 20th

Games on a Train. There's that pesky peanut.

July 22nd

Just walked past a class of school children accompanied by a rather stressed teacher saying, 'If you can't walk together then you won't walk at all.' Not sure if she was threatening them with a potential knee-capping or with the possibility of completing their journey by bus. Both events carry traumatic consequences. 

July 25^th

One out of four windows open on the bus. I have to be satisfied with winning the battle & plan better tactics for winning the window war.

A few minutes later on July 25^th

The arrival of a sweaty passenger just forced a disgruntled pensioner to embrace the fresh air & open window number two. Boom!

July 26^th

Just heard a young person catching up with another, on the bus. He asked if she was 'still courting'. I imagine this phrase has the same meaning as it did in my youth? Extremely polite and very sweet.

July 30^th

Palm tree by the Trolley Point at the Train Station. How very seasonal.

Return journey on July 30^th

Never thought I'd find myself admiring a roof tile. Stopping at Dronfield Train Station momentarily has awarded me that pleasure. Nice patterns.

July 31st

Still not sure how the peanut infiltrated my Jelly Beans.

Augusto Augustus

August 3rd

Dear Tesco, It has taken me 20 minutes of wrestling and swearing to open this bottle of fizzy water, only to find there isn't any fizz! Can you please post me some bubbles and refund me 20 minutes of my time? Thank you.

August 4th

Stuck ont train next to a man with wandering elbows. Keeps jabbing me in the ribs. I've had sprouts for dinner. Might startle him with a fart.

August 9th

Hilarous! Lad on train just got a child single to Nottingham then purchased a chilled can of Stella from the trolley. Teehee. Naughty

August 12th

Pleased to read that, even in the deepest darkest recession, people still like to buy fake noses and plastic poo.

August 15th

Busy bus! I am Bond! Jayne Bond! License to spill.

August 18th

I’m on the bus, gingerly being ginger.

August 21st

Observing the effects of a delayed bus on a wet Sunday afternoon; the anger caused by this late arrival is fascinating.

August 22nd

Regretting eating and drinking soooo much chocolate on the bus...but will probably start the whole process again in half hour!

Seriously September?

September 1st

Help! I've been kidnapped by a cardigan from the 80's.

September 2nd  

Fallen victim to a Sudden Stopper; those crowd walkers who maintain the steady pace, but come to an unpredictable halt, causing everyone to awkwardly leapfrop over each other, resulting in a human pile-up on the pavement.

September 3rd

I have arrived!...literally...not metaphorically

September 4th  

I'm on the longest train ever! (Length calculated by number of carriages, not journey time)

September 5th

£2.10 for a coffee on the train!!! 'We'll share one thank you!'

Septmeber 6th  

Oh the bright, cheery attitude of the bus driver has kick started my day with sunshine, along with a chance of occasional rainbows! Stay tuned for more updates from Jayne's pretend world.

September 7th

This bus appears to be hosting an in-depth discussion on the road crossing abilities of pedestrians.

Later on September 7th  

My Hobnobs have gone soggy...I'm not joking.

September 10th

My lunch seems to be causing a disturbance.

Later on September 10th

Dear fellow train passenger, You may have won the arm rest battle but it is I who will win the war...with my prawn salad!

September 11th

This afternoon I suggested, to a rather aggressive Chugger, (who wouldn't take a polite 'no thank you' for an answer) that he may consider getting a 'proper job'. Didn't go down very well!

September 12th 

There's a grown man in full school uniform complete with short trousers and swimming bag, sat on the bus. It is 10.30am and he isn't smiling.

September 21st

Return journey a disappointment, just readers with kindles and disgruntled pensioners.

Awkward October

October 2nd

So I leave half an hour early and arrive half an hour late...I never was very good at maths.

October 12th

Jayne's train travels; Friday October 12th. A fellow passenger wants to know if there is a 'potty room' on board.

October 13th

Strange Train Fact; It takes the same time to get to Derby from Islington, London (by foot, tube, then train) as it does from Mansfield, Notts (on one bus).

October 17th

Today's breaking (bus) news; Driver holds a close resemblance to Noddy Holder!

Return journey....

This bus is full of infection :{ Bring back Noddy

Later on October 17th

For those who ever watched a zombie film and pondered upon the aroma; I know a bus where appropriate scientific research can be undertaken for only £5.80 and an hour of your time.

October 18th

In today's bus news; the couple in front have fashioned their bus tickets in to party hats and are proudly wearing them aloft their heads.

October 21st

So I just left the town where a Weinstein shoot was well underway, starring James Corden, Julie Walters & JessieJ, alongside 500 other actors & directed by the guy who made 'Devil Wears Prada'.

In other (train) news; Man wears white satin eye mask complete with glasses on top.

October 30th 

Breaking Bus news; Woman receives dirty looks after eating too loudly on the bus! ...There's just no need for that much lip smacking at this hour.

On the November November

November 5th

Scandal: The Red Arrow bus has gone up in price by £1, for the second time this year!..and it doesn't even fly!

November 6th

Breaking Bus News; Chocolate Wheato's causing a disturbance on the A52. Fellow passengers have reported a rumbling tummy from an adult commuter who regrets eating a child's breakfast cereal!

November 7th

Bus tragedy; As I arrive a second behind time, the bus door shuts and the driver reverses with a disapproving shake of the head and a tutt in his teeth. I am not angry. I am simply disappointed. I have let down, not only myself, but a whole nation...oh here's another bus, I'll get on that one.

November 8th

In Today's Bus News; Passenger has a detailed conversation with a labrador who appears to be disinterested.

Later on November 8th

Back on the bus after alighting it, only 7 hours ago. I fear the bus driver may think I'm stalking him.

November 9th  

Bus window observation; Police helicopter hovers over a field where the cows appear to be auditioning for Madame Tussauds.

Later on November 9th

Evening bus report; Prospective passenger endures unplanned exercise, later realising she was chasing after the wrong red bus.

November 12th

Replacement bus!

November 13th

Pedests = Pedestrian Pests; Jayne's Busford Dictionary description of those who waste time by hailing the bus and quizzing the driver for in-depth route & ticket price information, then after leisurely mulling it over, rudely alight with the response 'No thank you, I'll wait for the other bus,'...not acceptable behaviour.

November 14th  

Bus inquiry: Passenger ponders quite how the windows of the purple bus became so steamed up. Secret messages of 'helo' and 'dik ed' appear as the heaters blow into action. Possible alien invasion!

November 15th

Come on bus, don't be shy, three have gone by in the opposite direction so why aren't I sitting in the warm by now? - ode to a bus

November 19th

Stylishly scoffing chips & curry sauce on the bus. Meals on wheels?

November 20th  

Dear Pronto, Please explain the reasoning behind providing a ten minute service that then takes a half hour break at 7.25am? Do you require breakfast at this time? Or a story followed by a short nap on the carpet? Do you get cramp in your tires? If I can be of any assistance in helping you on your way, please do let me know.

November 21st

Purse - check. Keys - check. Umbrella - check. Suncream...the Great British weather!

November 23rd

Words overheard on the bus; 'I've been thinking about growing a third boob.' - Fascinating

November 27th

I'm being despatched to Mansfield again

November 28th

According to the Metro being read by the person in front; the Government have introduced a new tax on having Fun. Anyone found to be having Fun and failing to declare their income of Fun will be prosecuted. Anyone caught having Fun, which includes anything from a slight smile to, laughing, clapping hands and doing the birdie dance; more than three times a week, will be round up and shot.

November 29th

Don't fart on my bus!...Dirty!

December December so good they named it twice

December 4th

Dear smelly people on the bus; please treat yourselves and have a wash. Thank you.

December 5th

Oh bus, I waited so long for you to appear, and now you are here, you smell of sick. Oh dear...I feel cheated.

December 6th  

Dear Bus Designers and Makers, I like your fancy new faux leather seats in an array of different shades however, during this festive season, they are a little chilly on the bottom. Bring back the itchy green felt ones; all is forgiven.

December 10th

Sipping a nice cold lager on the train whilst smiling at the conversation behind me, 'Well it's caused massive problems in the bedroom department.' Later realising the two ladies were discussing issues at the department store they work at.

December 11th

Nearly missed my bus because I thought Trent Barton had carved an elaborate bus-shaped ice sculpture as a 'Merry Christmas' to all their customers, but no...it was just my bus.

December 12th

My purple bus is stuck in fog related traffic however I do have a lovely view of the frosty trees and fields.

December 14th

It appears that even Santa has suffered this year with the recession, having to take on extra part-time work; he is driving my bus.

December 20th

So the Eastern European man in seat 63, actually turns out to be from Newcastle.

December 22nd

There's a baby crying in the next carriage to the tune of The First Noel. How very seasonal.

December 31st

2012 you're fired! Please gather your things & clear your desk. 2013 you are hired on a 3 month probationary period. If you do a good job we may consider offering you a 12 month contract...just don't be shit...maybe bring in some biscuits from time to time.

January Jayne

January 5th

Hoola Hoops & Bloody Mary's. The only way to travel by train.

January 7th 

Sipping pink gin whilst pulling in to Birmingham New Street station. Almost tempted to extend my little finger of the hand which is pouring the can into my greedy face. How decadent.

January 8th

'Rachel has a huge Pelican beak' - Graffiti at Derby Bus Station by an unnamed artist.

January 9th

The gentleman behind me on the bus is singing 'New York, New York'.

January 10th

Back ont bus. No musical outbursts as yet, just an old man shouting, 'Is that the best you can do?' to passing white vans.

January 14th

So I guess it snowed a bit in Notts then! My bus seems to have taken a diversion through the French Alps!

January 17th

The bus is abnormally quiet this morning as it creeps along in the snow. People must be fearful of their faces chapping in this wintry weather.

Return journey...

Lady on the bus appears to be cancelling all her future life plans due to the snow!

January 18th

Just passed a man wearing shorts! I may have to alert the emergency services.

January 23rd

Just been chastised by the grumpy bus driver for 'hanging around at this time' (7pm) 'dressed like that' (jeans, jumper & parka) It's not my fault if his big headlights struggled to spot a waiting ginger! Must purchase some reflective strips to strap on to my bingo wings for next time.

January 24th

The driver has been guiding the bus one handed for the past few miles in order to retrieve a stubborn boiled sweet from the bottom of his pocket. Then proceeded to self congratulate on how cautiously he drove by some big lorries.

January 25th

Triple dip recession? I hope they don't discover that Britain's core is actually made of rich tea biscuits!

January 28th 

Some heavy breathing occurring right behind me on the bus.

Seconds later (after a sneaky peek)

It's a woman and the heavy breathing is now proceeding to a cough and splutter. I may need to remember my First Aid training from twelve years ago.

Minutes Later...

Woman behind me on the bus whose been coughing & spluttering is now eating an apple... I fear I may be Strudeld.

Later still...

Afore mentioned woman is now listening to the Shoop Shoop song via her headphones. She's an apple munching Cher fan! 

January 29th 

Back on the bus. Gentleman sat next to me smells of beige sugar paper.

January 31st

Sat on the flip down single seat in the vestibule of the train and it appears I have been appointed the role of Toilet Monitor. A third person has now asked me if it is working and whether its clean.

Of course I am happy to offer advice in this area.

May to Middling

May 3rd

Odd conversation overheard - 'Hey, Pete! I haven't seen you for so long I thought you'd passed away.' Pete's reply - 'Yeah, So did I.'

May 8th

The lady I thought had a full, curly brown beard actually turned out to be carrying a follicley gifted, small child in a papoose.

May 9th

Resorting to sniffing my own fingers 'cos the man in front smells so bad and the chap behind sounds like he's expecting an internal combustion. Usual day on the bus.

Later on May 9th

'Leaving on a Jet Plane' is playing in the Bus Station...funny.

May 13th

There are six different dogs on this train and it's the owners that are doing the barking - at each other!

May 14th

Train. Train. Walk. Wait. Train. Delay. Miss two trains. Grumble with train staff. Slight bottom lip quiver (no actual tears). Cab. Home. Boom!

May 15th

I was admiring one of those living statue people in town (usually sprayed silver or gold) when on closer inspection I realised it was just a chap dressed head to toe in a red Adidas shell suit, standing remarkably still.

May 16th

The elbowy woman on the bus would be jabbing me in my ribs if I hadn't already protected them via my chip consumption.

May 21st

This is the hair which I am sat behind, on the bus. Cool quaffing!