May 1st
First time I've ever been
handed an orange as I exit the train.
Apple for the teacher - an orange for the commuter?
May 6th
Looks of disapproval for
blowing my nose in the quiet carriage.
There's a man sat opposite and his
breathing is much louder than my blowing, yet he does not receive the metaphorical
wagging 'finger in yer face' eyes.
Shortly after, on May 6th
Aforementioned looks of
disapproval are now bestowed on a lady who sneezed.
May 8th
Of late I have been
sitting on the fringes of money and power...on the flip down seat in the First
Class vestibule. However, this morning, the suits have taken it in turns to
perform their morning ablutes, which are so stinky, the Train Manager has
sprayed the whole area with air freshener.
I am now sitting in the most evil
aromatic cocktail of stench, feeling that my strawberries have almost literally
been shat on.
May 12th
My glutinous consumption
of a chocolate milkshake has just awarded me the offer of a seat on the train,
via a very kind gentleman. I politely declined knowing that my bloat is diary
based and in no way involving buns or ovens.
May 13th
Someone's definitely
soiled themselves.
Later on May 13th
One more HUFF and PUFF
from a disgruntled passenger and the bus shelter will be blown down!
May 14th
Being advised to take away
my 'personal effects' when leaving the train makes me wish I'd brought my smoke
machine and pyrotechnics.
May 15th
Coffee shop man on
Platform 3 just called me Sir, then proceeded with a very pushy hard sell of
his sausage baps. I'll stick with the coffee thanks...and consider some facial
hair removal cream.
Later on May 15th
Trying to read a book on
the train but a relentlessly speaking woman, with the loudest, sharpest most
irritating voice, is holding such a volume I cannot hear my own voice inside my
own head. And in an ironic twist, she actually just used the phrase, "to cut a long story
short".
Shoot me.
May 17th
Today's train is of a
unique kind.
May 18th
Standing in the queue for
the Ladies at the train station and I heard a man behind me telling his friend
on the phone that the queue for tickets was huge.
He later realised his
mistake.
May 19th
It'd be rude not to.
May 20th
There's a man dressed head
to toe in waterproofs, with back-pack and walking shoes, who insists on striding sideways up and down the train station stairway.
He's a bit of a Gene Kelly for
ramblers.
May 23rd
As a daily commuter of
buses and trains, I am accustomed to 'tutts' and have frequently received my five
a day for many years, but cannot as yet report any dietry benefit.
Later on May 23rd
The popular aroma of
unwashed old man is currently permeating the number 16 bus.
May 29th
I've just seen the Train
Manager open this little door, pull out an old telephone handset with spiral
cord and speak his announcements into it.
How exciting!
Later on May 29th
Chap sat outside Heavenly
Desserts just nudged a big iron table whilst yawning. Looked like some kind of
abstract, animalistic celebratory raw for his prey of raspberry cheesecake.
May 30th
The man in the cycling
shorts is in grave danger of not complying with the Train Managers request to
'keep your belongings with you at all times'.
Later on May 30th
Some days...most days, on
the bus I just want to stand up and scream 'YOU STINK!'. But that would be
terribly rude. I might write a few post-it notes and discreetly hand them out.
May 31st
Two ladies waiting for the
London train, discussing the various plans for their individual outings. "It's
all very spontaneas really. We only discussed it and booked it on Tuesday."
It
is now Saturday. I'm not sure spontaneaety applies after four days.
Later on May 31st
As I commandeer the
vestibule area each morning, plug in my laptop to charge, respond to all my
emails and arrange my bits of paper-work. I have come to realise that my
working day would be greatly improved if fellow passengers would refrain from
shitting in my office.
