Thursday, 9 April 2015

May as well

May 1st
First time I've ever been handed an orange as I exit the train. 
Apple for the teacher - an orange for the commuter?

May 6th
Looks of disapproval for blowing my nose in the quiet carriage. 
There's a man sat opposite and his breathing is much louder than my blowing, yet he does not receive the metaphorical wagging 'finger in yer face' eyes.

Shortly after, on May 6th
Aforementioned looks of disapproval are now bestowed on a lady who sneezed.

May 8th
Of late I have been sitting on the fringes of money and power...on the flip down seat in the First Class vestibule. However, this morning, the suits have taken it in turns to perform their morning ablutes, which are so stinky, the Train Manager has sprayed the whole area with air freshener. 
I am now sitting in the most evil aromatic cocktail of stench, feeling that my strawberries have almost literally been shat on.

May 12th
My glutinous consumption of a chocolate milkshake has just awarded me the offer of a seat on the train, via a very kind gentleman. I politely declined knowing that my bloat is diary based and in no way involving buns or ovens.

May 13th
Someone's definitely soiled themselves.

Later on May 13th
One more HUFF and PUFF from a disgruntled passenger and the bus shelter will be blown down!

May 14th
Being advised to take away my 'personal effects' when leaving the train makes me wish I'd brought my smoke machine and pyrotechnics.

May 15th
Coffee shop man on Platform 3 just called me Sir, then proceeded with a very pushy hard sell of his sausage baps. I'll stick with the coffee thanks...and consider some facial hair removal cream.

Later on May 15th
Trying to read a book on the train but a relentlessly speaking woman, with the loudest, sharpest most irritating voice, is holding such a volume I cannot hear my own voice inside my own head. And in an ironic twist, she actually just used the phrase, "to cut a long story short". 
Shoot me.

May 17th
Today's train is of a unique kind.

May 18th
Standing in the queue for the Ladies at the train station and I heard a man behind me telling his friend on the phone that the queue for tickets was huge. 
He later realised his mistake.

May 19th
It'd be rude not to.

May 20th
There's a man dressed head to toe in waterproofs, with back-pack and walking shoes, who insists on striding sideways up and down the train station stairway. 
He's a bit of a Gene Kelly for ramblers.

May 23rd
As a daily commuter of buses and trains, I am accustomed to 'tutts' and have frequently received my five a day for many years, but cannot as yet report any dietry benefit.

Later on May 23rd
The popular aroma of unwashed old man is currently permeating the number 16 bus.

May 29th
I've just seen the Train Manager open this little door, pull out an old telephone handset with spiral cord and speak his announcements into it. 
How exciting!

Later on May 29th
Chap sat outside Heavenly Desserts just nudged a big iron table whilst yawning. Looked like some kind of abstract, animalistic celebratory raw for his prey of raspberry cheesecake.

May 30th
The man in the cycling shorts is in grave danger of not complying with the Train Managers request to 'keep your belongings with you at all times'.

Later on May 30th
Some days...most days, on the bus I just want to stand up and scream 'YOU STINK!'. But that would be terribly rude. I might write a few post-it notes and discreetly hand them out.

May 31st
Two ladies waiting for the London train, discussing the various plans for their individual outings. "It's all very spontaneas really. We only discussed it and booked it on Tuesday." 
It is now Saturday. I'm not sure spontaneaety applies after four days.

Later on May 31st
As I commandeer the vestibule area each morning, plug in my laptop to charge, respond to all my emails and arrange my bits of paper-work. I have come to realise that my working day would be greatly improved if fellow passengers would refrain from shitting in my office.

April Approved

April 3rd
The most playful, beach party-feel, fandango-y ring tone has just been answered by a very serious, middle aged male voice. "John Merrel speaking", followed by, "well somebody has to put them in the crate Graham, whether you're comfortable with that or not."

Later on April 3rd
Old chap on the bus using loud coughs to hide his rather aggressive swear words. When I say 'hide' I don't mean cleverly camouflaged.

Still en route on April 3rd
Now in the waiting room on platform 2. 
What I thought was the sound of an overly amorous couple having a big loud public show of affection; was in fact the automatic door repeatedly opening and closing on a half eaten hotdog.

April 4th
Lady on the Arriva 104 is pouring milk into her rice crispy filled tupperware in an attempt to eat her breakfast on the bus. I'm not one to stare but I have got to see how this pans out.

April 9th
If you've ever done a mini run to style out a stumble, you'll understand why I just jumped out of my skin at the sound of the bus engine backfiring; then proceeded to continue the elaborate movement, believing it to be less embarrassing having the people in the queue think that I had ants in my pants, rather than being frightened of a loud bang.

April 10th
The chap standing in the vestibule with his bike, is wearing shorts which take their title quite literally.

April 14th
This doesn't look like my usual train.

April 15th
Like me, many of the passengers making the mad dash to the train station this morning, are double checking that they aren't still wearing their slippers.

April 18th
Chap sat behind just made the buffet trolley man spit laughter with his shocked response to the crisps costing 95p. He has indulged however, and opted for Prawn Cocktail.

Later on April 18th
The toddler in the next carriage is having the most epic tantrum. Happen he too has been told by the buffet trolley operative, about the absence of stirrers for his coffee.

April 23rd
Train Manager just made reference to Dr Foster as we were approaching Gloucester and now thinks himself to be a comedy genius. Oh dear.

April 27th

April 28th
Just got wedged in the vestibule area (the location on the train - not my personage). A little over excitement from those over-enthusiastic automatic doors.

April 29th
According to the on board announcements, the standard area can be found in our rear carriages.

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Marching On

March 4th
Chaos on the trains this morning! A muffled announcement about a landslide between Chesterfield and Sheffield caused a stampede of passengers, to burst out of the automatic doors and clamber up the platform. Only to return, seconds later, following a train managers whistle.

March 9th
An early Sunday morning outburst on the train just made everyone spit their coffee with laughter. Disgruntled man standing and pleading to the better nature of the owner of a very loud message alert. 'Have some common courtesy to your fellow man'

March 11th
Lady on the train talking in great detail about how much breast milk she can produce, to a bemused looking man in a suit.

Moments later on March 11th
Said man in suit has just answered his phone when it didn't even ring and is now conducting a fake conversation.

March 12th
Someone's farted in the vestibule. There's only seven of us and it's not me, so that narrows it down to six. Bearded man with fold-away bike looks guilty. Smartly dressed woman with incongruous trainers looks amused.

March 13th
People who speak on hands free devices, whilst waiting at the Pelican Crossing, are often unaware of the sheer volume and pitch of their voice; sharing their business with fellow pedestrians. Being a nosy crow myself, this does not annoy.

March 14th
Train delayed due to 'over capacity of the bike compartment.' This is a new one.

Return journey on March 14th
Sat in the shiny shoe section of the train. Some of the people in suits are looking disapprovingly at my unpolished pumps.

March 15th
The sun is out and I'm on a bus. Let window wars commence.

March 16th
The upbeat seventies disco tunes, protruding from huge speakers at the bus station, is quite incongruous to the facial expressions of most of this morning's commuters.

Later on March 16th
There is a child on the bus who is proudly picking his nose, inspecting the snotty deposit between his finger and thumb, before popping it into his mouth. Now, I'm all for recycling however, this re-direction of bodily fluid is somewhat disturbing.

March 17th
The bus driver who looks remarkably like Noddy Holder has disappointingly shaved all his hair off, to which end, he no longer looks like Noddy Holder. *sad face*

March 18th
Train Manager announces his sincere apologies for the absence of coach H this morning. Where has he left it? He has his keys and his phone, so where is coach H?

March 20th
My kind offer to 'hold it for you', was misunderstood by the distressed man who was denied his ablutions, due to the toilet door failing to lock. He looked shocked, giggled and declined. Three other men have since inspected it. In fear of further confusion, I shall NOT be offering to hold the toilet door anymore.

March 21st
A man just drove by the bus stop, pulling a wheelie on a Moped, as a woman toddled past wearing red stilettos, with a walking stick. Observing oddness.

March 22nd
As I alighted the bus and thanked the Driver, he wished me good luck...not quite sure what to make of that. He himself seemed a little confused.

March 24th
The sharp tones from buffet cart announcements appear to be threatening the passengers with 'TEA & COFFEE', as a purchase of punishment, rather than pleasure.

March 26th
Apparently, if you are on a train to London, and you are wearing a suit, and you are a man, you never have to say, 'excuse me'.

Return journey on March 26th
The rude man from this morning's train is now standing, seat-less, with his pin stripes delicately tucked into the front flap of his Hushpuppies.

March 27th
I hate being breathed on by strangers. Not sure what it is about queues for delayed public transport; people seem to feel it's acceptable to huff and puff their disdain and disgust at each other.

Later on March 27th
This train now has its own orchestra of coughs.

March 31st
Train Manager checking we're all awake this morning - 'Welcome to the 8.19 East Midlands Train from Narnia, calling at Leicester and London St Pancras only.'

Later on March 31st
Afore mentioned Train Manager is now using his tannoy announcements to try out his best accents.

Friday, 28 February 2014

Finding February

February 4th
Dare you enter?

February 8th
At Worksop train station. There is a Dance Academy on Platform One, alongside a tiny cob shop, a printers and a bar.

February 10th
The usually shite bus services are today spectacularly shite.

February 13th
Bus conversation approaching Sutton,
'Int it chocolate that helps with yer sugar levels?'
'Yeah, cos it dun't do yer no good if yer don't av none.'

February 14th
Bus Driver, apologising for her driving, saying that it affects her steering when she's had a few to drink. I laughed, hoping it was merely a joke and not a confession

Later on Feb 14th
Offering a tissue to the sneezing lady in the seat behind, wishing I could have pre-empted the spraying to the back of my head. At least I have prevented being party to any future snot showers, for the duration of the journey.

February 21st
Today the bus is driving itself.

Later on Feb 21st
It appears that young people have recently chosen to boycott socks.

Very late on Feb 21st
Tonight, it looks like I'm the only one going all the way. Mansfield to Derby - it's a fair old trek!

February 22nd
Two chaps who boarded the bus at Ripley, have just spent the last 20 minutes discussing Findus Crispy Pancakes. I wasn't aware of the diverse range of fillings.

February 24th
Overheard on the bus. 
'He acts like some sort of tortured genius.' 
'Yeah, but minus the genius.'

February 25th
For the past hour and 20, I have suppressed the urge to gouge out my eyeballs and give them a good old rinse. However, I do not wish to alarm my fellow passengers by causing a gouging related disturbance on the bus.

February 27th
Best (overheard) quotes of the day;
'He looks like a Lowry painting that's been stretched.'
'Don't eat your poo sheet!'

Judgemental January

January 4th
After illicitly sitting in First Class, I have now decided upon my New Year’s Resolution. Break more rules.

Later on January 4th
'Less is sometimes more'. No. Less is mostly fewer, surely? Proverbs schmoverbs! I shall be eating all the chocolate regardless.

January 7th
My face has decided its New Year’s Resolution is to grow the biggest spot in the world.

January 10th
'Ello Miss, would you like a Metro?’ were the actual words spoken to me by a young chap, this morning. I feel like I should be in a remake of Oliver...set in Derby.

January 14th
Stuck in traffic sat next to a sniffer. He has a tissue but does nothing more than wipe! Has the human race forgotten how to blow?

January 17th
Birmingham New Street Station, you stink!

January 24th
Back ont bus after a week working in Mansfield, and true to form, there are some rather ominous smells...hamster is my favourite.

January 25th
Whilst sneaking a quick wee in the First Class toilets, I was enlightened by the special-ness compared to Standard.

Later on January 25th
In addition to 'Hey good looking' etched in the mirror, the First Class lavs have a helpful voice over that welcomes you to the loo & requests you do not flush nappies down the toilet along with your ex's jumper, your hopes & dreams or goldfish.

January 26th
The smell of the day iiiiiiiis *drumroll* freshly baked chocolate cake! Thank you fellow train passenger.

January 27th
There is a Twat on board the train. Train Twats can be identified by a number of means. They conduct their private conversations at a very loud volume in the hope that fellow passengers will find interest in them = Twat. They insist on leaving their suitcases in the middle of the aisle so that they can 'tutt' when other passengers leap frog over their prized possessions = Twat. They sometimes say things like 'so long as it's tanning weather', whilst booking their next holiday, having only just returned from the airport with enormous amounts of luggage = Train Twat.

January 28th
It appears that replacing your breakfast with a milk-shake on the 6.30am bus is not a good idea, and on some occasions there is a point to crying over spilt milk. The tears help to wash away the stains.

January 31st
In keeping with my New Year Resolution-ary promise of train mischief, I have, on two occasions, sat in First Class & used the facilities. I am now three hours into a journey having not bought a ticket. It was part mistake part mischief. The outcome shall either make me do a little wee with joy or cry a small tear of shame.